You have a lot of time to think when you're in prison. An exercise I explored during my long days at McKean was, "Why?" Why did I do what I did? I already noted how I justified my actions because I felt that Zacks provided no defined perk of working for the firm. That all seems pretty silly now. I had a work-at-home job with no direct supervision on a daily basis. I worked in shorts and t-shirts all day. I never commuted anywhere so I never had to deal with traffic or pay for gas. I worked the hours I set for myself. I ate lunch every day at home with my wife. During the summer months, I ate with my children. I went to the gym, I played golf, and I took vacations. In hindsight, the perks were abundant.
I also noted how I rationalized my actions by thinking it was analogous to stealing Post-It Notes or some other superfluous office supply. Again, totally blind to the reality that was my life. I had it all and I still wanted more. I was just an employee. I worked for Zacks, a private firm owned by one man named Zacks. I had no stock options, no 401k benefit, no long-term upside beyond my current role. I recall reading stories about how the original secretaries at Microsoft back in the early 80's where all millionaires simply because they had been given stock in the company. I viewed trading as a way to supplement my income and create long-term wealth outside of my non-owner, basic employee status. As if making $350,000 per year wasn't enough.
This is my mea culpa. What I did was stupid, irresponsible, ignorant, arrogant, and criminal. The seven deadly sins are Pride, Greed, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Wrath, and Sloth. By the middle of 2015, I personified most of them.
Prison is full of those having fell victim to the seven deadly sins. Prison teaches you humility and patience, and it forces chastity. But it also, surprisingly, encourages kindness and diligence against sloth. Prison is tough, and inmates lean on each other for support on a daily basis. I never felt lost or alone while in prison. Many fellow inmates were there ready to support me. It's truly amazing when you think about it. Everyone there is a convicted felon, some with violent pasts, but we were all in this thing together and at no time did I ever feel desperation or despair.
Almost everyone I met in prison truly wanted to improve their lives once they got out. That's not to say many of my fellow inmates, myself included, didn't feel anger. The anger in prison is infectious and it often infected me. But my desire for liberty was stronger than my wrath. I still have pride, but today my pride is not driven by lust, envy, or greed. No human being is immune to the seven deadly sins. I think the key to true growth in life is knowing you are subject to these emotions and working to lead a more virtuous life.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.